From the Shores of the Ottawa River

   What is in people’s Mind? Could be nothing at all

“I tasted it, and that was all I got. A one-time deal. I can’t taste it again in my imagination.” -Brian Leibold   It is like that for me too  because I have what is called aphantasia. It was discovered in 1880. The term was coined in 2015 by cognitive and behavioral neurology scientist Adam Zeman in the UK.

I discovered I had it quite accidentally. What this means for me  is that it confirm I don’t see images in my mind. It is a neurological condition to not visualize imagery in one’s mind.  At first,  I didn’t  think it was extraordinary until I discovered I was anomaly.  I have a condition that only 1 to 3 percent of the world’s population has.

Whenever I shut my eyes all I get is blackness. I can’t picture anything in my mind at all!

That is freaky. Most people can see pictures in their minds. It must be hard for them to believe that others can’t do what they can so naturally do.  

Another insight into that amazing organ, the human brain.  It fascinates me.   This knowledge  significantly deepened my understanding of why I am the way I am.  Like,  why I am geographically challenged and can easily  get lost. I can’t envision lakes, rivers on a map,  indeed , I can’t even  see a map in my mind. It now made perfect sense. When I talked to architects, they were designing a layout of the kitchen, bathroom, or landscaping. I couldn’t envision what they meant until it was completed. Even with the swatch of color paint and tile in front of me, I couldn’t see the final result. It only became clear when the job was done and my eyes were wide open.

Until then I always thought  when people said they imagined something, it was   a metaphor … or like remembering with sense feelings like me.  It is an interesting self-discovery. I always thought that it was an intellectual process. I did not realize it involved conjuring up an actual visual image with the mind. This knowledge does not change me.

Although it does help me understand to some extent how my brain works or doesn’t work like others.

Four years ago, I had a partial stroke during surgery. The purpose was to remove a tumor in my heart (myxoma). After that surgery, I developed curiosity about how my brain worked. I was diagnosed with left side neglect which also fascinated me.  I understood that the eye and retina connect to our brain.

Yet, I didn’t grasp why my eyes couldn’t see things on my left side until someone alerted me to it.

For some reason, the synapses did not connect right away.

I  thought my aphantasia  was the result of the stroke. But,  I rejected that notion. My daughter confirmed this because she is aware I connect through my feelings,  and with  a powerful sense emotionally.  I often said I can’t see that image in my mind, but I thought everyone couldn’t either.  My memory works by connecting events that I have experienced and how  I felt in that moment.

I have a memory of a sweater I received for my birthday as a child. It was cotton with blue and black thin horizontal stripes. It felt  soft and warm. I know I had that sweater.  But I can’t conjure up the image of it. But I can feel what it felt like on and how I felt with it on. And, I can describe it.

That said, when I think of people, I don’t get an image of them in my mind. instead, I get a “feeling” of them.   I have a picture of my late older brother, Ross, on my phone. As soon as I open my cell phone, his image is right there.   and it will help me remember how he looked,.The cellphone image is facsimile of a visual image, if I imagine him.    But I feel him which I believe is better.

You may think that I can’t dream but you would be wrong, I often dream in vivid colour. This means my brain can create imagery when I am asleep. I can’t voluntarily create images in my mind, but I can see in my dream. Interesting, huh?  I think it is like all the data is stored in my brain. It is on a hard drive and it can be reassembled when needed. But it is not stored as pictures but rather in concepts, thoughts, and feelings. I feel deeply. I once blogged that this was my superpower. My daughter corrected me and said mom your superpowers like a psychic ability. Of course, she is correct. I can often “feel”  people’s past and their future, is it an aspect of aphantasia, I don’t know? It would make a fascinating conversation with a neuroscientist.  I  have read many of Dr. Oliver Sacks, a neurologist, and author’s books because I admire his intellect.

My curiosity of the brain began before my discovery of  aphantasia and  partial stroke.  I have memories of my childhood home. Of course, I don’t see it as imagery. But as I said, it is a felt perception. I enjoy reading fiction, the more detailed the description the more enjoyable the book is for me.   Don’t make the mistake that all aphantasia is the same. unlike the author of this article, I can easily recall my past and I have an exceptional memory. I have been meditating for a long time. I believe aphantasia allows me to be an excellent mediator. There are no noise or sounds in my head, nor images passing through my mind to distract. I can be fully in the moment and go inward, my happy place.   To learn more information about aphantasia.   This is an excellent article to read. https://psyche.co/ideas/aphantasia-can-be-a-gift-to-philosophers-and-critics-like-me