From the Shores of the Ottawa River

I listen to a podcast this morning May 28, 2023,   of former Chief Business Officer  of Google X, Mo Gawdat.  author  of Solve  For Happy; Engineer Your Path To Joy  The sudden and tragic death of his son  at 21 set him on a path  to make a billion people happier.   His view validated how I think about happiness. He says happiness is an equation.  Events minus expectations.

In other words, it is our expectations that creates  our unhappiness when events don’t meet what we expected.  You could live in a most idyllic place in the world, and still find issues with it that make you unhappy.    Your partner, husband or wife could be the most  attractive compassionate and kind person, but   may have something about the other person  that bothers you.  On the other hand, if you say my perfect partner is human, you could live the rest of your days happy with your choice because being human means we make mistakes.  With the absence of expectations placed on our partner we create space for happy life with him or her.

Let me explain it another way, you commute to work run into traffic jam and instantaneously get angry. Bang  on your horn and yell. My son when he was 6 years old said to his dad, don’t get mad at the driver ahead of us,  the problem is happening further down the road! Out of the mouths of babe, right!

 A Neuroscientists , Jill  Taylor discovered that from the time an  external event happens to how you react say  in a traffic jam, your body is flooded with stress hormones in 90 seconds it leaves your body. But when you recreate that event in your mind  your body reacts the same, flood with stress hormones each time you replay the event your rational brain reenforces the belief  you made the event to mean.     You may even feel the same anger you initially felt no matter how long ago it happened. Mo calls this Netflix’s on demand, unhappiness. He says this happens on an unconscious level but also, we resist it on a conscious level. We always have a choice in how we react  to an event. ALWAYS.  But we choose not to exercise it. Why?

Because there is a utility to being a victim. It stems from our childhood,  when you were two years old  your brother took your toy. And you cry, mommy comes and says  baby don’t worry and gives you a treat. That is when our programming began. We learn when we experience an upset, we get attention maybe a treat. Which is why when people experience a bad day, they reward themselves with, a beer, ice cream or some other comfort.  However, you’re not two years old anymore.  It is an uncomfortable truth; we have a choice in how we react. Most events are neutral, but we attach a story to it, which takes us down a path  to  happiness or unhappiness. We create that story.

From the outside my life looks charmed. I live in a beautiful house on the Ottawa River, I have a compassionate and successful husband and  supportive children.

However, I had to overcome challenges in my life, I survived a deadly disease as a child, I am an Indian residential school survivor.  I experienced death early in my  twenties I loss a brother and  in my thirties, my dad. I  suffered a partial stroke as an adult that left me with limitations, My driver’s license  was revoked. As a fiercely independent person this was a huge disappointment.   

These challenges have given me strength tenacity and sense of humor and  most of all curiosity about life.  I have learned to accept my physical limitations. Happiness is a set of skills and beliefs we can choose to practice no matter what obstacles  come our way.

Recently when my friend of discovered she had pancreatic cancer. She never talked about herself as a victim. She accepted her fate but didn’t give up on life until her last breath. She mentioned  to me how her husband kept replacing the dead flowers in vases with fresh flowers daily because he knew it gave her happiness and together, they made the best of a horrible diagnosis.   Mo experienced a tragic loss of his son,  and still encourages others to strive for happiness.   Will you make a choice to be happy for the rest of your life? You can because  it is under your control.