From the Shores of the Ottawa River

Few days ago, in a conversation with Kent, a   author of Biology of the Brain, a hormonal expert, who asked “aren’t you curious, without judgment, why as a capable person you appear to have given up on yourself?”

I responded what do you mean?  He said, you are a Founder of a not-for profit foundation seventhgift.ca, a host of Empathetic Witness podcast,  and a  blogger, a mother, and wife.  Yet, you haven’t addressed  what is stopping you from getting to your ideal weight.  Why is that? Are you not curious?

Indeed, he is right of course.    I have decided to explore and be curious to get to the root of why that is. To that end I have ordered his book and will get my blood tested. And I will get more physical activity.

I am a woman in my sixties, and overweight. I eat healthy, I don’t smoke, or drink alcohol and I sleep well.

Further I am a meditator which helps me mitigate stress and decrease my cortisol level.   the extra weight I am carrying can’t all be from COVID! The question becomes: what limiting beliefs are stopping me from getting to my ideal weight? And, when he said have you considered it might have to do with traum? I thought for a moment, and then responded as I normally do, and I thought about my experience in residential school . I don’t believe I’ve experienced trauma. He said trauma is not only something bad done to you, it could also be something that may have been missed in your life by circumstances that didn’t allow for it to happen.  I never thought of my experience in residential school in that way before. I assumed because I was never sexually or physically abused, and I had my basic needs met, like food and shelter, it never occurred to me that I had been traumatized.    

 I spent seven years at Holy Angels Residential school, in Fort Chipewyan in Alberta.  (The Mission is what we called it.)  I’ve always maintained I never experienced trauma while I was a  student there. However, as I reflected on what Kent said, I could see what he said had merit.

Indeed, the oppressive environment created by a federal policy to kill the Indian within had to be traumatic for a 6 year old girl. And for the first time in my life, I have accepted the notion that I have experienced trauma when I went to residential school at 6 years old and was there for seven years.

1.  I was removed from a home where I felt safe with my brothers and sisters
2.  I was indoctrinated into the Roman Catholic Church, a huge shift from  my Indigenous culture
3. I was forced to live in a cultural genocide institution meant to devalue Indigenous culture
4. It created a separation from my parents who only spoke Dene
5. My movements were restricted, I was only allowed to go from the mission to the day school, Bishop Piche school,  and once a week on Sunday, I went home for an hour

As I thought about the small T trauma, I experienced at Holy Angels Residential school I slowly without judgment and with compassion saw myself as a six year old child and what may have been like in residential for that young Angelina. I was curious and considered as a six year old child what was I feeling, emotionally.

For context, there were 45 other young girls there at the time. It was called the little girls’ room, my brothers were in a separate part called the boys, and the older girls were in another area called “big girls”. I was assigned the number 44.

When I was falling asleep at night, I prayed that my left leg which was affected by polio would grow strong as my right leg.  Each night I prayed. To be clear the other young girls were never mean to me. I always felt capable, even if I could not run, I was physically strong and had upper body strength. This alone should not affect my self-image, I concluded. I began to be curious about my personality.  What makes me who I am and what limiting beliefs am I holding?

I am a person who is  kind, empathetic and driven. if I do what I can to help people who need my help, why can’t I put that energy toward myself.

For instance my husband, Alan who has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure and is constantly needing me to remind him to eat healthy, and at times I think, I am more concerned than he is about his condition than he is.  I am also concerned about some of my sisters and brothers. But at some point, I stopped taking care of  myself, and   I’ve made a commitment to myself to change that.    There must be something I am missing, I am curious and I will discover the information I need, it is never too late to start caring about yourself. 

“Love releases oxytocin, lowers cortisol levels, and improves cardiovascular health by reducing blood pressure and heart rate.

It doesn’t just make things feel better — it also makes them get better”